the last couple nights its been quite late before ive finally gotten to sleep..my mind has been going three hundred miles an hour...so i thought maybe itd be good to write it out and hopefully that will help me process better... here is some excepts my journel entry at midnight last night...

Jonathan, one of my biggest heroes...A man that I strive daily to be like, but it also feels that I daily fall short... A man that could have had, and rightfully should have had it all..heir to the throne, honor, riches, fame... A man that had all that at his fingertips..Yet that man said no, it wasn't God's will. A man that PROTECTED the one chosen to take his place on the throne. No jealousy whatsoever! A man that singlehandedly won a great battle on his own...fighting the fight with only his shield bearer behind him. Incredible courage! God I want that! To roar into today's battlefield. sword swinging, arrows flying, tearing down the enemies strongholds, even if it means I have to do it alone. But why is it so hard most of the time....all of the time! How could so many early Christians be so willing to die for the mere mention of Christ, yet I hesitate to talk to the cashier at Safeway about the hope Jesus has given me. God give me the courage to stand up, no matter what, No matter what! in a time when even among some mennonites, yes mennonites, its considered "uncool" to be too "spiritual" God help us..people are dying....